30 and 300 (Explanation)

I don't see why it would need an explanation but here goes. A few months ago I went to the doctor for the first time in a year and found (inexplicably!) that I weighed three hundred pounds. On top of which I was about to turn thirty years old. It hit me, well, I can't say it hit me too hard because I haven't been below 250 in about six years. But it still hurt and I don't think I cried or anything but it really changed the way I thought of myself. You see, I'm not like other fat people... I'm skinny on the inside... it's just my uncontrollable need to stuff myself that sets me apart from an "average weight" person.



OK. So, at the same it was hitting me in the face that I was turning thirty. So we all know that 30 is the new 20 and all that but I happened to be spending a lot of time with a super-annoying 19 year old who made me feel older at every turn. ("Who is Nirvana?" and "Well, I think I know what show you are talking about but I've never actually seen an episode of Friends.")



At any rate here I am with this number in my head. Funny thing is the number wasn't actually 300. It might have been 292 or something but it was close enough that every time sat down I would think, I wonder if this chair can hold 300 pounds. I went to a parent teacher conference and the tiny skinny teacher gestured to two child-size chairs for my husband and I to sit it. I remember thinking (as my cheeks hung off the sides of the chair), "this chair was not meant for a 300 pound ass." So you see my dilemma. It was that number... that "300 pounds" that was stuck in my head.



Three weeks later I joined a gym. OK so what I want to say here is this: "That was three months ago and here I am 20 pounds lighter and eating better!" But that's not what I am going to say. I work out on average twice a week and I will honestly tell you that I do not enjoy it. What I do enjoy is alone time away from my three children and getting a chance to read a book without interruption.



I have no idea how much I weigh or if I've lost any weight at all, as I have resolved not to weigh myself until, well, until I decide to weigh myself. I'll let you know when that happens.

As for food, well, we are old friends and I won't turn my back on an old friend. Seriously, lately I have heard the term "foody" to describe someone who loves food and I like this term. Honestly, sometimes I tell myself "No... you can't have that" or "No, it's too late to eat" Or "No, you don't need a fourth helping of macaroni and cheese..." But often times I don't tell myself "No" at all.

But I still have hope. I still have faith that I can do this. And if I don't at least I know I tried... just probably not hard enough!

What follows are posts that I have recorded on my computer during the last three months that I have decided need to be made (eek!) public. I'll let you know when things are back to present day big girl.


Big Girl