I relish my alone time. Is that wrong? I feel like almost every moment of my day is shared with someone else. Not just my time, but my body. When you have kids, it's like your body doesn't belong to you anymore. Beginning with pregnancy, you feel odd kicking and poking and rolling and it's wonderful, but it takes over your body. After they are born you are breast feeding and even if you don't, you are still holding the baby all the time. I used to love to cuddle and I still do but sometimes I just want my body all to myself. Sometimes I just want to take a shower without someone peeking around the corner. I want to go to the bathroom without an audience. I want to sit and read without a child (or two or three) sitting on top of me. I want to have a night's sleep with no one but my husband and I in the bed. Then my husband gets home and wants a piece of me and I just have nothing left for him.
The thing is, when I am alone, I feel like I am missing a limb or something. The fact is you can never go back to who you were before you have kids, or even a husband. Sometimes I feel like my body belongs to him as much as it belongs to me. And after ten years together, his body is as familiar to me as my own.
When the kids aren't here I don't quite know what to do with myself. When they go to bed, unless I'm writing, I don't do anything productive. I just sit and enjoy being alone or with Van. When you are a stay-at-home mom, you sort of define yourself by your kids. You plan your life around them because they
are your life. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to work and leave my kids all day. I think if I was doing something I love it would be easier, but I think my life would be less fulfilling for sure. The truth is I really love my kids and love spending my days with them. Although I never planned to be a stay-at-home mom (I guess now I am technically a "work-at-home mom"), I don't think think I would be truly happy doing anything else.
So I guess what I am saying is I just need some freaking alone time a little more often!
So it's been almost a year of working out (sporadically) and dieting (read: eating well until 3pm and then...). I have not lost any significant weight (HUGE surprise, I know). So I have made the BIG decision to go ahead and have weight loss surgery. I am considering gastric bypass as well as lap-band. Should happen somewhere around January. Will be in a preparation prgram until then, psych evals, 10% body weight loss, learning new habits for post-surgery, support groups, etc. Very excited about it but a little nervous about post-surgery eating (or over eating). Any thoughts?
