Dear Complete Stranger At Target...

Oh, I'm sorry! Were my children's childish antics bothering you here in this public place?

So I love Target and feel a sort of proprietary ownership of it. As such, I let myself go at Target. I relax, I get a treat from Starbucks, I greet all the employees, a third of whom I know by name... I let my children have fun.

So I am Target for the third time this week. I have my two youngest, Baby Boy, (just turned) 4 and the Diva, 20 months. I am looking at clothes (Target has super cute maternity clothes and even when I am not pregnant, they tend to fit me very well!) and I hear an "older lady" (think Rue Maclanahan from Golden Girls, which I will hereafter refer to her) grumbling about people controlling their children. I take a quick inventory. The Diva is happily babbling in the cart and Baby Boy is... uh oh... where is Baby Boy? Oh there he is, hiding in a clothing rack. He peeks his head out from between some particularly hideous blouses in the plus sizes section which is where Rue Maclanahan is evidently having her day ruined by Baby Boy's adorable antics. I should have whipped out my camera and taken a picture. He was so proud of himself and his clever hiding place. He even smiles at Rue Maclanahan. I smile at her apologetically, thinking, "That smile melts me every time. It's got to work on Rue!" Rue Maclanahan is not amused.

"Have you seen those leashes they make for children?" She asks. She actually said this to me.

At this point I should probably divulge that I am a fan of telling off complete strangers who I feel are out of line... usually when I am in a bad mood or it is a certain time of the month.

(WARNING: LONG SIDE STORY ALERT) Once, in a department store, I realized I had forgotten my stroller. I had all three kids with me and was in a very foul mood. I went looking for a store stroller/cart and there were none to be found. I walked around the store hoping to find an abandoned stroller. I kept seeing people without children pushing strollers full of purchases. Every time I saw one I got more irritated. I spotted an older lady (think Betty white from the Golden Girls) chatting a make-up counter with nothing but her purse in the seat where my baby's butt should have been. I stalked up to Betty and said (I thought politely) exaggeratedly juggling the baby, my purse and holding Baby Boy's hand, "would you mind giving me your cart since you don't have any children with you and I have three?" Betty looks me up and down and then looks at the pancake-faced sales girl incredulously. "Um, no." That's all she said before she turned back to pancake face and rolled her eyes. This pisses me off to no end.

"Those strollers are meant for people with children, not for people who don't feel like carrying their purses!" I say. Betty looks around.
"Aren't there any other carts in the store?" She asks. As if I came into the
store and targeted her for harassment.
"If I could find one," I say "I wouldn't be standing here asking you for your help." stressing my need for help.
"Well," she says "my purse is very heavy and I have a bad back."
"My baby is very heavy," I counter "and I don't want to drop her."
I stalk off, knowing the battle is lost. Freaking Betty.

Back to my recent target story.
"Have you seen those leashes they make for children?" Rue has just asked me.

Trying to get over my incredulity, I stumble.
"Oh, did those work for your children?" I ask.

It's Rue's turn to stumble.
"Oh, no...I don't have any children. I've just seen those leashes and they seem to work pretty good."

My eyes widen. She doesn't have children? Then why the hell does she feel qualified to give me advice?! I quickly recover.

"I think leashes are for dogs, not humans. And my son isn't hurting anyone, he's just being a kid." I say. "Maybe you would get that if you had children of your own."

Rue Maclanahan stalks off.

Afterword I think. I feel kind of bad. Maybe she was incapable of having children? Maybe she lost a child. I would feel truly bad if this were the case. But she said "I don't have any children" clumsily. Not "I never had any children" sorrowfully. On this point I console myself.

Whatever. In either case, she is not qualified to give me child-rearing advice. Even if she were my crazy spinster Aunt, I would still be irritated with her gall in suggesting I leash my child.

And this is my point, young or old, people who don't have children often feel compelled to offer their opinions on child-rearing. Or proclaim, "When I have children I will never let them [insert appalling behavior here]." The fact is, you don't know, you just don't know how it feels until those children belong to you. It's easy to correct someone else's children, to see their faults. It's easy to pinpoint exactly what is wrong with someone else's child-rearing philosophies and suggest your own when you've never actually put yours into practice. So there.

I hope I see Rue again at Target so I can tell Baby Boy to run over and hug her and invade her personal space like she invaded my business. Freaking Golden Girls!

The Sleep Study

So I complained to my doctor about being tired all the time. I am sleepy at odd times during the day, I fall asleep driving and am forced to pull over to take a nap. She says, "Have you ever done a sleep study?"

OK, so what I picture is laying in a staged bedroom trying to sleep with a group of people analyzing my every move on the other side of a two-way mirror. Plus, I have three children. How could they manage without me for an entire night?

"I really think it would help," she says. "It may help you lose weight as well."

And she's got me. I mean, who doesn't want to believe that one could lose weight while sleeping?!

Turns out my idea of a sleep study wasn't too far off. You are in a room and you are being not only watched, but recorded. Eek. Anyway, I am already there and I think this could be nice... a night in a bed all to myself. When I told Van about the sleep study he thought it sounded pretty funny.

"You don't have a sleep disorder! You just have three children. Did you tell her that two out of three of them end up in our bed every morning?"

So I found that the thing about a sleep study is that you actually have to sleep. Did I mention that it took my nurse 45 minutes to hook me up to all of the sensors and other random equipment? How the hell is a person supposed to sleep if she can't even roll over. And believe me, I am a roller. And a kicker. And a whiner. (I do that when I am awake and asleep!)

Obviously, I couldn't sleep. I just don't see how anyone could. Whenever I did fall asleep I was plagued by dreams of octopuses (octopi?) suctioning my face and head.
My nurse said I finally did "achieve R.E.M. sleep" (like it was some sort of accomplishment) around 4:30 in the morning. They woke me at 5:30am. And then I had to drive home over a fresh coating of snow. I thought, "Wouldn't it be ironic if I fell asleep driving on the way home from my sleep study?"

Well, apparently I do have a sleep disorder and I have, of course, used this as my excuse over the last week to take a nap whenever I feel like it. Anyway, day 2 or, more accurately, night 2 of the sleep study is coming up. This time I have to wear a machine that will no doubt make me look and sound like Darth Vader. On the up side, maybe it will scare my children enough to keep them out of my bed.

Her Pants are Tight and That's OK

Remember that Beastie Boys Song? Those were the days. And by "the days" I mean, of course the worst days for me emotionally (as I was a miserable adolescent) but some good days for music.

Anyway, we are now in the present. By which I mean that I am now writing in the present, not posting entries I've saved on my computer for the last four months.

I went to the doctor last week. I lost a whopping 2 pounds. I do need to account for the fact that is was post-holiday gorging and the first day of my period. So there. I should probably exercise more. OK I should definitely exercise more. The two or three days a week I am getting to the gym now is apparently not cutting it. And, if I am being honest, I haven't really cut back my calories all the much. Also more water. I'm thinking water is the trick.

So, to recap, More exercise, less calories and more water. Duh.